This time we wish to share with you a longer reflection by a participant of one of our workshops. During the wonderful week-long gathering „Touch&Play“ in south Germany, Beata facilitated an intensive she called „Trial&Eros – Engineering Fantasies and Navigating Playspaces“ which was all about figuring out what erotic fantasies you have, how to make them come true, to seize the group and atmospheric container to actually make it happen, to reflect with others how it was and to then do it again – but better! Basically it wanted to motivate participants to not only float around in a playspace like a jellyfish and see where they land (chances are it will just be a cuddle puddle…), but rather approach it like an architect or a bunch of savvy researchers who want to harvest the good stuff and proactively build their dreams.
And here is what Claire experienced 🙂
„A short excursus. Already the fact of joining the Trial&Eros intensive was a process for me. When I signed up for the retreat I had the possibility to pick one of the three intensive classes offered at the event. Not knowing the format of the event, I was not sure about how many hours or days it would have taken, but I was aware that I had to make a decision, which used to be something difficult for me and I´m still working in getting better in that. After much thinking, I picked another class where a part of it would have been in water, which I love. However, I was not 100% convinced and looking at the weather forecast I feared that the water part would have been cancelled. As so it was. This info was given to me on the first day of class, about one hour after the beginning of the intensives.
It required me a lot of courage to listen to my inner voice, and most of all to follow it and change class. Luckily I was warmly welcomed by the new teacher, Beata, and I suddenly felt at ease in the group. This was for me the beginning of a week, where I was amazed over and over by the quickness I developed in tuning in and checking my body, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, my truth… and acting accordingly. This embodied integrity gave me such a powerful feeling!
But let´s get into the details of my experience at the Trial&Eros Intensive. The topic of the week was sexual fantasies and looking back I can see how each day was an important brick, which helped me to build the beautiful experience I had at the retreat.
The lesson that I collected at the end of the intensive was: ‚Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine‘. These are the words I wrote in my diary after acting out a scene, which I could have never imagined and described so precisely: ‚This is how it feels like. It´s amazing. Beautiful. My body has expanded. I feel my energetic body tingling. I loved flying, being held, pulled, and grabbed by three men. I had a fantasy about a gangbang and during the intensive week I tried to speak it out, put it in place. Still, it didn´t neither work out nor feel so satisfying. Today I was open to my real desire: be desired by many men and allow them to do with me what is exciting for them, in a loving and respectful way. It was not a forced scene. It was real, organic, changing, adjusting to my moaning, smiling and body reactions. I was totally present. I trusted the other people and loved to have a space holder, who already witnessed me in another session the day before. I loved that a participant reminded me of my divine essence, in the same way he called me at the beginning of the week. I loved all of this experience.‚
How did so much magic happen in just a week? On the first day we played a fake-therapy and I already got some good insights, which pointed out that my inner desire was different from the fantasy I thought I had. This opened my eyes and the problems, which were preventing me from acting my fantasy, were not so relevant anymore. On the second day we got inspired by art and embodied a painting. My group worked with the state of being in the full power and presence, which for me is related to living a conscious sexuality. After the workshop I noticed that my awareness towards my inner power increased and later on other people came to me and shared that they see my inner beauty and are inspired by me. This increased my courage, which was needed to take the next steps on this journey. In the following days we worked with fantasies, creating groups to represent a specific scene or being in the middle of a circle and asking some people to join with consent. I went through my layers of shyness in speaking of such an intimate topic in front of a big group. I collected a few Noes and was able to really see where the other person is with his No and where this is coming from, without taking it personally. I left my comfort zone and pushed myself on the edge trying to make something happen, which I never dared to speak out loud. Doing so I experienced excitement, nervousness and also frustration as I had to accept that unpredictable circumstances happen and my sexual fantasy was not taking place in the way I imagined. However, towards the end of the event, exactly in the moment when I surrendered, magic started to happen. It happened on the dance floor at a contact jam. It happened when I submitted completely to the unknown. And I enjoyed it!
On the last day of the Trial&Eros intensive we had a last chance to speak up our fantasies and ask other participants to join and make it happen. ‚It is such a rare opportunity to have a space like this to explore and be safe‘. With similar words Beata invited the last participants to present their fantasies to the group. My mind was empty by then. I already said goodbye to the idea, which I had with me at the beginning of the week. Then all in a sudden the right words came up and I stood up in the middle of the circle. I spoke loud and clear and looked all the faces around me. My sexual fantasy was pretty vague and at the same time really precise. There was a clear frame and within that room for interpretation, I´d say. I was not trying to control anything nor anybody. The universe took over and the right people felt called by my words. I surrendered and trusted, breathed and shined. So the real magic happened and I lived the best sexual fantasy that I could have ever dreamt of. And the lesson that I collected at the end of the intensive was: ‚Be open to something bigger and more beautiful than what I am able to imagine.’”
Picture by artist Alina Kopytsa